CURRENTLY LISTENING: YEAH RIGHT BY JOJI.
Vulnerability isn’t attractive; it’s terrifying. There’s a popular belief that being vulnerable is both beautiful and courageous. However, this is not the case. I don’t feel brave in the least. I’m afraid and worried, like all the air in my lungs has been sucked out, and I can’t remember the last time I was able to breathe. Nobody wants to be vulnerable since it implies being afraid and anxious and unable to breathe. That’s how i feel, at least. I’d rather keep my guard up and not feel as if my heart is about to burst out of my chest or as if my brain is about to explode from the million thoughts rushing about inside it every two seconds.
Vulnerability can be attractive in some situations, but not all of the time. It’s lovely to be sitting across from someone having a heart-to-heart at 2 a.m., where the things you say don’t seem all that real since the sensation will pass in the morning, so it’s a safe space. Being vulnerable all the time as you open up to someone and let them into your life isn’t all that; it’s frightening, and it makes me want to run away and hide, which I can’t because then I wouldn’t be exposed, and that would be a problem. I’d be a problem.
Do you think you can help me out? No. I can’t even figure out how to solve myself, so don’t expect you to. Also, don’t ask me what I’d like. I’m unsure. That is also a question for which I have no answer. It is your responsibility to carry out this task. I’m not sure what I want, but I expect you to know because that’s your job, and it irritates me when you don’t. It makes me wonder why you don’t know, even though I couldn’t tell you when you asked me. But isn’t that your job? I refuse to accept responsibility. I’m not sure if it’s because of my feelings or because of myself. I can pretend it isn’t there, that it doesn’t exist if I don’t take responsibility. Because it isn’t my concern, I don’t have to think about it because I don’t want to. You simply refused to listen, or perhaps you didn’t take me seriously because it was a strange thing to say. In any case, it’s still your fault because I warned you about this and you chose to do it anyway. You decided to work with me on this. I’ll be present, but I won’t be present. I’ll exist alongside you, and if you find me difficult, that’s your problem to solve. I refuse to because I am unwilling to deal with it, with myself. I don’t exist unless I deal with myself. I’m not required to do or be anything. I’m just here. That seems to be all I ever say to people. I’m just here.
I’m not making any promises or serving any purpose; I’m just here.
You can do whatever you want with that. I don’t want it to be my issue any longer.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE VULNERABLE?
WHAT DOES BEING VULNERABLE LOOK & FEEL LIKE TO YOU?
DO YOU VIEW VULNERABILITY AS A STRENGTH OR WEAKNESS? WHY?
PS: I NEED ANSWERS.7