Friendship is the ugly truth, the harsh reality, it is sitting silently through others pain because there are very little words to say. It’s saying this is shit but you’re not alone. It is not promising it will be okay, because we cannot make such assurances. It is not being agreeable to be liked, but it is assuring that they have a hand to hold during the hardship. Promising an ear that will listen and providing unending support to carry you through the jagged days. Friendship is about sitting outside in the rain with your friend and being really uncomfortable about being drenched but doing it anyway whilst telling them why you think the rain started (especially if they started it).

Every friendship should have boundaries. They don’t have to be enforced, they should just exist. We’ve all been there when this boundary hasn’t been respected, and then the ugly starts to unfold. And henceforth, the toxic friendships are created and are mostly difficult to spot. They become harder to manage because it’s easy to lose things in translation. Trying to decide whether you’re being emotional or if they’re being hurtful is where the challenge lies.

People can be rude, difficult or high maintenance but these aren’t toxic traits. These are just unpleasant people you really should keep at arms length anyway.

Friendship takes more than one side effort, it takes reliability, loyalty and trust. Your friendship should make you feel safe. The signs are so subtle that they could pop out of nowhere. Your friend makes comments that starts to sting more. They are co-dependent that you almost feel responsible for them. They demand exclusivity to you like a jealous lover. They keep disappointing you, but it’s always your fault. They make everything about them, not giving you a chance to correct their behavior. A friend that makes you feel like utter shit if they were not your first call, on every social event list, in every conversation dominating your every spare hour.

This type of friendship can be toxic and if you feed dependency, you will contribute towards the creation of a beastie… not a bestie. These friendships are the ones that drain you. It can be difficult to understand because of lack of clarity. In a romantic experience, there are clear lines drawn, but for friendship, it’s much different. The expectations are different and it’s hard to tell what’s okay and what’s not.

It’s not okay when you’re anxious whenever you get a notification from your friend and you start feeling like crap instead of happy, it might be time to slide away. This is not being selfish, it’s just installing a limit to your friendship.

Another red flag is their lack or acknowledgement of your achievements. Your needy friend will prefer self-esteem at its lowest. Keeping you in check and trying to ground your joys especially if they do not impact them. If your friend is not happy about your wins, your good news or your great accomplishments – you need to lose them. At this point, your needy friend realizes they have gone too far, they will go into victim mode. This effect is just enough for you to keep them close. You will make excuses for them. They aren’t so bad, I feel for them, it’s loneliness, they have always been there for me… and the cycle repeats.

Do not feel because you have known them a long time, you have a debt. The only debt you have is to yourself, your mental well-being and not being made to feel like a mug.

Sometimes it’s hard when you give too much, but take time to think whether they are giving as much. If there’s an imbalance in what’s given and taken, then this friendship needs work. Friendships are flexible and they should be, but don’t be taken advantage of. The most important person in your life needs to be you.

This is not a ‘dump your friend and run for the hills post’. This is just my view on a situation i’ve seen so many times. But what can you do?

You can give your friend an undivided attention, maybe active listening will be enough to temper their insecurities. Create some boundaries and confront their behavior.

Now is the time to realize you matter more, and that you should find happiness and balance your friendship.

WHAT OTHER TOXIC SIGNS DID I MISS? 

Feel free to comment and let’s talk about it!

Molayo x.

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28 Comments

  1. fromchisinside July 3, 2020 at 8:05 pm

    This is nice . It is also a very vast topic. I’m sensitive, I pick out toxicity very quick and I tend to walk out. I also know that people can only meet you as far as they’ve met themselves, ur vibe is your being . I never hesitate to raise the boundary bar once I notice a toxic pattern .

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 3, 2020 at 10:59 pm

      Knowing when to walk out is just the best thing to do at this point. Thank you for stopping by 💜.

      Reply
  2. Impulse July 3, 2020 at 8:11 pm

    Awesome read!
    “They don’t have to be enforced, they should just exist.”
    Best line!✨🔥💯

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 3, 2020 at 10:59 pm

      Thank youu 🤗

      Reply
  3. Ebube July 3, 2020 at 8:27 pm

    This is nice

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 3, 2020 at 10:59 pm

      Thank youuuuu.

      Reply
  4. Tarimoboere July 3, 2020 at 8:33 pm

    Thank you for such a nice post. I think you covered the basics of toxic friendships. I think another one of toxic traits is when they go behind your back to get the gist that you won’t give to them. Toxic people often try to have the other person all to themselves.

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 3, 2020 at 11:02 pm

      If that friend goes behind your back to get the gist you don’t want to give them, then that friend does not trust you. It’s not necessary you know every single thing that’s happening with your friend.

      Reply
  5. Oseruona July 3, 2020 at 9:05 pm

    Molayo! This is relatable on so many levels. I’ve been in a situation where my own friend used to feel like she was incompetition with me and could not be happy with my success. I’ve been in a position where my friend only remembered that I existed when she needed something. It wasn’t easy because I always made excuses for her but in the end, I had to burn that bridge because she wasn’t adding value to my life anymore.

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 3, 2020 at 11:05 pm

      Man, this part of being toxic is just annoying and frustrating. You were just being nice by keeping up with them yo! Glad you realized and walked away. Thank you for reading 💜💜

      Reply
  6. Mathias July 3, 2020 at 9:48 pm

    Seems like you’re speaking from experience
    Tbh, I choose my friends wisely.
    There’s a difference between “I know People and I have Friends”
    I rarely share wins or losses (if you like vex) but if opportunity arises, it will sure go around.
    Once you start misbehaving, you’ll be kept at arm’s length.
    I can sense if someone will be toxic or if they already are. It’s like a super power but power fails too. You can’t win all battles
    Once you notice the person isn’t reciprocating the energy, let them know or pull out and save yourself from future troubles

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 3, 2020 at 11:06 pm

      You’ve actually said it all. Thank you 💜

      Reply
  7. Ubanozie Iheanetu July 4, 2020 at 2:23 am

    You literally touched all corners of this. Toxic friendships weigh us down extremely but we keep riding on the thought that we can change the game. Meanwhile the game is sucking us into that vacuum of being lost

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 4, 2020 at 9:12 am

      It’s draining 😭😭

      Reply
  8. Aminat July 4, 2020 at 7:13 am

    If you belittle my little achievements I just stop telling you stuffs. Toxic friends can be quiet draining

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 4, 2020 at 9:11 am

      honestly!!

      Reply
  9. ifemma July 4, 2020 at 1:41 pm

    “naturally unpleasant people” that sums it up.

    Reply
  10. ifemma July 4, 2020 at 1:41 pm

    beautiful article ❤💯

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 4, 2020 at 3:13 pm

      thank youuuu 💜

      Reply
  11. aybee910 July 5, 2020 at 12:25 pm

    Toxic friends have a way of giving us poisonous vibes and negative energy. Once we are able to spot such traits that don’t resonate with us, it’s best we keep such people with such traits at arms length. I could relate to this very well. It’s a lovely write up. Well-done.

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 6, 2020 at 11:31 am

      Thank you! 💜💜

      Reply
  12. Yemi July 6, 2020 at 5:02 am

    I use to have many friends and when I realised some were becoming too toxic by being envious of my achievements, I decided to keep them at arm’s length and keep to a few trusted ones. So,having too many friends atimes is not the best.

    Nice post dear.

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 6, 2020 at 11:30 am

      yes mummy! Thank you ❤️

      Reply
  13. Iamzee_ July 6, 2020 at 5:48 am

    This is amazing Mo.
    So many people need to see this cause most don’t even realize what they get themselves into everytime.

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 6, 2020 at 11:29 am

      Thanks babe ❤️

      Reply
  14. Somidotun July 6, 2020 at 7:51 pm

    I think people should start using the word acquaintances instead of Friends. Because of the moment we’re caught in, we tend to call toxic people our friends maybe because of the benefits we earn from them. Friends we call our friends should never be toxic to us. According to Cambridge dictionary, Friend means a person who you know well and who you like a lot, but who is usually not a member of your family. You can agree with me that no one likes a Toxic person. They should always be acquaintances. Put them at arms length as you have advised us. Great blog post Molayo.

    Reply
    1. Mo's blog July 6, 2020 at 9:43 pm

      Friends do change though. it gets to the point of jealousy and they start changing their ways towards you. you’ll start wondering where you went wrong. we can only just try to avoid those kind of people. Thank you for stopping by ❤️.

      Reply
    2. Doreen July 11, 2020 at 5:11 pm

      I concur to this!

      Reply

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