Currently listening to mirage my Elina.
I woke up an hour late after ignoring my alarm for 7:30am, so i could face my work and finish at the scheduled time. Toast bread and coffee for breakfast, watching two episodes of love island. The taste of the toasted bread is soon dampened by feelings of guilt and shame. How is it 12pm already? and why am i still so tired? Anxiety grips my chest like a vice, you’re disgusting. The coffee that was supposed to perk me up, only makes me feel more unsettled.
Opened my laptop in an attempt to get some work done, but i make the big mistake of checking instagram. I’m greeted by updates of people who unlike me seem to have their shit together. You haven’t even washed your face or made any attempt to have your bath yet, you pathetic slob. I closed my laptop in protest and leave the room. It’s lunchtime. i’ll get on it after lunch. I make pasta and wash it down with a bottle of wine, the TV lures me back to the couch, i watch more episodes of love island and feel numb. I’m so tired. Maybe a nap will snap me out of this? Hating myself, i crawl back to bed.
I wake up two hours later with a start. YOU ARE A LOATHSOME PIECE OF SHIT! It’s true, how can i argue with that? I roll out of bed and back to my laptop, fighting my way through endless emails.
By 7pm, i panicked, the negative thoughts circulating through my brain have become aggressive. I reach for the remaining wine in the fridge to take the edge off. It helps, so i pour another.
It’s 10pm and i’m drunk. Not obviously, but i know it. Maybe an early night will help? I take something to knock me out and crawl back to bed a final time. Tomorrow will be different, i’ll get up early, eat healthy, work through my to-do list and exercise.
Tomorrow is the day.
This is what it’s like to be stuck in a mental rut and this is something i can totally relate with. The self loathing, followed by overindulgence, fatigue and then more self loathing. It is what they call a perfect storm, one that anxiety and depression feed off. The desire to get out of a rut, but not knowing how can be frustrating. Why is it so hard to do things that are good for you? The brain really is a sucker for instant pleasure and punishment. One minute you’re happy, the next you’re sad and you just want to drown yourself in your thoughts. The brain can quickly turn into a small child, digging it heels in (especially if you have anxiety or depression). However, with a little prep and determination, the child can be coaxed.
At times, I limit myself by staying stuck in these mental ruts, mostly weighed down and hemmed in by fear and insecurity. At this point, i’m scared to step outside my comfort zone, be vulnerable, lower my defenses, etc. We find ourselves in bleak times, especially in this period where we can’t do anything about it.
Sometimes, it’s hard to pull out of a mental rut, but always remember that you’re not the first and only person to have it, so you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.
You should understand that the thinking about the past can demotivate you, thinking about not being good enough when you have more to learn about yourself. This lie that if i am right, i am good. If i am right, i am better. If i am right, i have a weapon i can use against anything. Thinking about yourself is only based on a skewed perception. There is always more to learn, and it starts with a willingness to admit there is always more to learn.
You should also try to change your routine. Extreme behaviour triggers extreme counter behaviour. In order to stop patterns repeating, we need to make positive changes. No matter how long you’ve been in a rut, only you can make a decision to no longer remain there.
Staying out of a rut is a continuous process. An actor who makes one bad film isn’t necessarily a bad actor, just like a person who has one bad week doesn’t necessarily have a bad life.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A RUT?
WHAT DO YOU DO TO GET OUT OF IT?
DOES IT GET TO THE POINT WHERE YOU REALLY CAN’T HELP IT THAT IT KEEPS REPEATING LIKE A DEJA VU?
Please leave a comment below and let’s talk about it.