Hate

Day 14.

Perhaps you see me
it may be your gift to see
or merit for hard work
or maybe you paid for it with the lashings you endured
but surely it is now your inescapable wretched curse
as the truth haunts you
but you cannot close your eyes
like me.

It is my fault I am as this
to be as false as I am
false is my name
I cannot love that
I have buried it inside
and run away because it is too ugly
easier to smile and pretend.

My mother saw it in my blackened soul
clever and easy to lie
she hurt me made me ashamed
and broken
to protect the world and even me
but her tricks did not work
because I have killed too many hearts
and poisoned those that survived
even my own.

I am cold
and it is right I have suffered so
because I lost my heart and replaced it with a ticking clock
that pretends to beat like a happy butterfly
and tries to convince me I have feelings
that I cannot reach
I am a masquerader of abundant hollow emotions
that laugh and smile and cry
but I never face myself
in the dark alone because there is nothing to see without a light
my flame has no fuel
unless I suck it from another’s bloody neck.

I do not know myself
because I cannot bear to look
but I hate myself as much as you hate me
and you should
because every love I’m given
is less for the world
I am a black hole
I give to get
I only give love
to fatten up my lover
and open her precious tender trusting heart
so that I can consume it in eventual flames
and steal all of their future hope
and faith in humanity.

And I don’t know how to stop
and I’m too afraid to stop myself
with the knife I keep hidden
but never have the courage to use
because I am a dark monster
that pretends to be inviting
like a pristine beach
on a boxing day morning
beckoning humanity
to my shoreline
so I can consume them with my hungry tsunami
and leave them writhing in pain
with all hope in shambles.

Rescuers arrive in love
one after another
I greet them with open arms
as if I am deserving
needy
blinded behind my veil
pretending to myself until it is too late
and just as they almost open my heart
I swallow them under my next crushing wave.

Molayo x.

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